WILLAMATION

As you can probably guess these are some of my favorite Christmas themed qutoes:

Dear Santa, this is Joe from North Chicago. I want a new bike and a G.I. Joe with kong fu grip and grenade launcher.

Dear Santa, this Hazee from Yemen. I want a grenade launcher.

~ "Dear Santa" by Sean Morey

What did Jesus ever do for Santa on his birthday?

~Steven Wright

Clark: Since this is Aunt Bethany's 80th Christmas, I think she should lead us in the saying of Grace.

Aunt Bethany: [turns to Lewis] What, dear?

Uncle Lewis: Grace!

Aunt Bethany: Grace? She passed away thirty years ago.

Uncle Lewis: They want you to say Grace.

[Bethany shakes her head in confusion]

Uncle Lewis: The BLESSING!

Aunt Bethany: [they all pose for prayer] I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands/ One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Clark: Amen.

~Christmas Vacation

Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color?

~Will Ferrell

The boys are standing in the road hitting rocks with sticks

The men are building tiny shacks out of muddy bricks

The women are covered head to toe and their not shown there face

its 117 degrees in this god for saken place

~ Jeff Dunham

Everywhere the atom bombs are dropping.

It's the end of all humanity,

No more time for last-minute shopping,

It's time to face your final destiny.

It's Christmas at ground zero

There's panic in the crowd,

We can dodge debris while we trim the tree

Underneath the mushroom cloud.

You might hear some reindeer on your rooftop,

Or Jack Frost on your windowsill,

But if someone's climbing down your chimney,

You better load your gun and shoot to kill!

~Weird Al “Christmas at Ground Zero”

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Dang I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

~Demetri Martin